Left 4 Dead 2: The Weapons Part II

And now, at long last, we come to the Shooter part of our First Person Shooter game.  Left4Dead, you will recall, offered gamers a choice of six possible weapons, including the pistol, while Left4Dead2 has, in addition to its many melee options, a whopping 14 possible projectile weapons:  two handguns, including a Magnum Pistol modeled after the Desert Eagle, four Tier 1 firearms, 7 Tier 2 firearms and a Grenade Launcher. Those of us hoping for significantly more choice in guns were not disappointed! I’ll discuss the pistols first, leaving them out of the rankings because they don’t fit into the Firearms class at all.

P220 Pistol: We’ll start off with the most boring gun in the game in my opinion. There’s not much to say about this one, since it makes no sense to use this pistol in place of melee weapons which are vastly more effective at close range. It doesn’t bring much to the table and I can’t say I’ve used it more than a few times when there are just so many more exciting weapons to choose from in this game, including a much more powerful handgun. But hey, at least it’s not the Pump Shotgun!

Magnum Pistol: This is obviously a massive power upgrade from the pistol we were all accustomed to in original Left4Dead, not to mention being very very sexy. I really like this gun as it has the ability to drop zombies with one shot to the body, which makes it much quicker and easier to get kills than other L4D handguns. But again, it’s never going to be as effective at warding off zombies in close range as the various Melee Weapons, or at mowing down swarms of Infected quickly from a distance. However, given that the Magnum Pistol is a relatively rare find in Left4Dead2, it’s not a bad idea to give it a try when you get the chance since it does make a nice change from the more usual weapons. And in recognition of its timeless, stunning beauty, I am compelled to award this weapon with the title of Baddest, Sexiest Weapon In Left 4 Dead.

Pump Shotgun: I’m starting things off in the Firearms category with the sad pathetic loser of the Left4Dead2 Projectile Weapon Family. Needless to say I am not overly fond of this gun. I can’t think of anything it is better for than any of your alternatives in the early stages of a campaign. It’s not effective at a distance, but if you want a close range weapon, the game is clearly biased in favor of its many marvelous melee weapons. Add to that the tiresome reloading process and low ammunition capacity and what you get is not happy hunting. This gun has its place in the original game, but L4D2 is a different animal entirely and the pump shotgun is not a winner this time around.

Hunting Rifle: I’ve never had much use for this gun. Every once in a while I am seduced by a desire to kill zombies from far away where they can’t see me and watch their heads explode gore all over their zombie friends aka my next victims – but while this gun appeals to the psycho sniper in me, I’ve never found much use for it in game play since it very quickly becomes a liability in close quarters, and there are other guns with quite sufficient long range for most situations. And just to show you how much I don’t appreciate how you’ve repeatedly seduced me and left me out to dry, Hunting Rifle, I am almost tempted to rank you even lower than the lowly Pump Shotgun. I hope you’re sorry now.

Chrome Shotgun: Better looking than the pump shotgun which gets it a higher ranking, and its higher damage rating helps too. (Yeah, I brought up stats which I wasn’t going to do. I needed some outside help to even have an opinion on this dumb gun, sue me.) But this gun has essentially the same problems as the pump shotgun and a carry capacity of 56 as opposed to 128 for its uglier cousin the Pump. No one cares about you, Chrome Shotgun. Moving on.

Silenced Submachine Gun:   I just hate the look and feel of this thing. Maybe it’s because I feel like I’m holding a big black dildo or … something … and I just didn’t sign up for that, you know? Whatever it is, I can’t really be bothered to analyze exactly why I’m so annoyed by this stupid little gun, all I know for sure is that in the event I get stuck with it? I’m tossing it the first chance I get for something bigger and badder. And there are a number of these big bad guns in L4D2 as we shall see soon enough.

Auto Shotgun: Also known as the Tactical Shotgun, for all you diehard original Left4Deaders. Well, this is a big step up from the pump shotgun, that much is obvious. Like, one-great-leap-for-mankind step up. But honestly, all this gun really does in L4D2 is make me miss Francis. It just felt right to use an Auto Shotgun when I was walking miles in Francis’s boots. And much like the Pump Shotgun and its chrome variation, the Auto Shotgun is really obsolete in Left4Dead2 as far as I’m concerned. Melee Weapons 3, Shotguns 0 so far.

Sniper Rifle:    Honestly, I haven’t even used this thing enough to comment on it. SO I guess that means that I’m just gonna have to pop the game in and go kill some zombies, I hope you all understand just how much I’m willing to do for you. Or something.  *Epic failure with Sniper Rifle* Okay! I tried it and I have to say, all the stats on how it’s more powerful and accurate than anything else in the game are fine and dandy… but when actually using it, I think this gun fucking sucks. It’s big and obtrustive for one thing, taking up more of the screen than other firearms, which if you’re like me and you are bothered by things in your peripheral vision, this gun is not for you. It is useless in close, and terribly inaccurate on the move. And movement is such a key part of the game that in my mind this gun can take its fancy stats and shove them.

Grenade Launcher: Technically doesn’t really belong with the firearms, but I’m making up the rules as I go. This is fun to use on groups of zombies bunched up close together, but if you’re not careful (and I am generally not nearly careful enough) the grenade launcher can bite you in the ass. I can’t say I feel real strongly about this weapon one way or the other, it’s nice as a novelty when you come across it from time to time.

Submachine Gun:   Unlike its worthless irritating cousin the silenced submachine gun, I actually like this one quite a bit. You may think it’s basically the same weapon, but all submachine guns are not created equal in the Left4Dead universe. It sounds good, feels good, and its rate of fire definitely comes in handy. It’s great for running full tilt, spraying bullets at everything in sight. Plus it looks really good on my video game husband, Bill.

Combat Rifle / Desert Rifle / SCAR: This gun is quite the looker. Like a lot of sexy ladies though, the longer you have to listen to her the more she loses her appeal! for me, a big part of a gun’s attraction is the noise it makes, and this gun unfortunately falls a bit short in that category. This gun has a big upside in terms of accuracy and ammo conservation though, and is really a pleasure to use, especially in levels where you’re going to be firing on the run and running for your life.

Combat Shotgun: Now we have come to the first truly drool worthy new weapon in Left4Dead2, and the only shotgun that really pulls its weight. It has a slightly longer range than the other, inferior shotguns, but I don’t care about that. What I do care about is the sheer destructive power of this gun which is magnificent – She is truly a beast, and she is exactly what I was hoping to get from the second installment of the Left4Dead saga. Still, she IS a shotgun, and shotguns are not a part of the ideal one-two combo of weaponry in L4D2 so I can only allocate a small part of my heart for Combat Shotgun. I do need to be careful about getting overly attached to guns who aren’t 100% worthy of my devotion. In the hierarchy of Left4Dead guns, Combat Shotgun can never go higher than Friend love.

AK-47: I love the sound of this gun, and given the choice I’ve been known to use it over the more accurate M-16 for that reason. While it’s not the most accurate or best looking gun in the game, it certainly has its charms. Its delightful sound is the result of a lower rate of fire than the M-16, but fortunately that hardly matters when you are careening around the carnival running up to zombies and shooting them in the face. When things get hairy I’ll be looking to pass this off for a more complete weapon, but I make sure every once in a while to spend some quality time with this baby.

M-16 Assault Rifle: What can I even say about this beautiful weapon? It’s simply the greatest, I love this gun. Powerful, accurate from long range, music to the ears and the sworn enemy of every kind of Infected. This was easily the best weapon from the first installation, and not much has changed the second time around in Left 4 Dead. This gun has not gotten old and I doubt it ever will. M-16, you have been my constant companion through many long and arduous campaigns, and I know we will stay close for years to come.

Left 4 Dead 2: The Weapons Part I

Zombie Genocidest

When it comes to Left 4 Dead 2, there is potentially a great deal to talk about. There are some things I really love about this game, and there are some areas where it’s a marked letdown from the original Left 4 Dead offering from its creator Valve. But you’ve played the game, I’m sure, and you know all this. So let’s talk about what’s really fun and interesting in any first person shooter game, which is of course the WEAPONS. There are certainly a lot of weapons to choose from in this game, some old favorites from original Left 4 Dead are here along with some not-so-favorites, and there are some truly exciting new offerings as well. Exploring the new scenery in the various campaigns was fun, but even more than the new maps I have enjoyed getting to know some of these new weapons. I thought about maybe coming up with some complicated formula for ranking the various Melee Weapons and Firearms according to their effectiveness in addition to my own personal preference, but that’s been done to death by this point, and really I’m not outfitting a real army – I’m interested in having the best possible gaming experience. With that in mind, I will rank weapons in order based on their overall appeal which results from a combination of their look, their sound, and their playability. It’s a tremendously complex formula, but you’ll just have to trust me. I’ll divide them, naturally, into 2 categories, Melee Weapons and Projectile Weapons (essentially, guns). They are ranked in order from Least Cool to Most Hellaciously Fantastically Pump-You-Up-To-Kill-Some-Fucking-Zombies Awesome.

Pumped To Kill

The Melee Weapons of Left 4 Dead

Frying Pan: The worst of the worst. I HATE this so called weapon. To illustrate what a truly despicable item this really is, why don’t you come along with me on an imaginary journey, at the end of which you must surely agree that the Frying Pan simply has no place in any self respecting Zombie Hunter’s arsenal. Imagine for a moment that you had fought your way through some zombie infested hell and in the course of your adventures you had the chance to rescue the world’s one and only remaining supermodel and her porn star twin sister from where they had been holed up away from red blooded men for months on end (don’t worry, their hideout somehow has running water and is an oasis of hygiene in an otherwise really disgusting world. This is after all the imagination of a reclusive agoraphobe) and when you finally cleared the last of the zombie hordes standing between you and the most epic we-could-all-die-at-any-time-
threesome-with-twins-who-are-totally-grateful-to-you-for-saving-their-lives-and-they’ll-do-anything-you-want-sex – imagine if after all this you were to go bursting through the door wielding a FUCKING FRYING PAN in your hand like the world’s very biggest virgin! I mean, if they were going to put a stupid ironic weapon in the game that no one would be caught dead using in the real zombie apocalypse, well then, why not a wifebeater-leather belt combo? At least then it could have some kinky uses when you get down to the freaky apocalypse Sex For The Ages. Again, in case you are still not sure how I feel, I HATE this stupid ugly worthless stupid weapon. A lot.

Cricket Bat: Forgive me, but since when is Left4Dead2 set in England? This weapon makes no sense to me at all. It’s big and stupid looking and doesn’t provide a very satisfactory sound either. It’s effective, I’ll admit that, but I’m not willing to settle for mere effectiveness in my search for the Ultimate Melee Weapon. I just can’t see using something like this to kill zombies if you had any  respectable alternatives, and I’m not afraid to say the cricket bat just sucks.

Guitar: Rounding out the Trio of Shame, we have the guitar. I’m a little conflicted about this one. I mean, it looks kinda cool, but it’s an amazingly stupid thing to use as a weapon if you think about it. The thought of trying to fend off zombies by swinging a big heavy guitar by the neck makes me cringe. Maybe that’s just because my weak girly arms would fail miserably and I would end up on the bottom of a zombie swarm and I don’t even want to think about which parts would get eaten in what order. But no, it’s not just me. The Left4Dead2 guitar doesn’t have novelty on its side either, since the whole beating zombies to death with a guitar idea has been done, and I think Dead Rising did it much better. Although I suppose the guitar does fit pretty well with the concert themed ending to Dark Carnival.

Crowbar: I enjoy the crowbar, not so much for its actual performance in the game but rather because using it leads me to have some wonderfully gruesome visuals of a real life crowbar sinking into the skull of a real live zombie and tearing off a big chunk of its skull. The actual weapon itself isn’t all that offensive or remarkable in any way.

Chainsaw: The chainsaw looks really awesome, but in terms of actual gameplay I find it gets old pretty fast. It’s loud, cumbersome, has a long start up time, it generates a lot of smoke and blood which obscure your vision, and when it runs out of fuel it switches to your pistol automatically and ruins your bid at the Confederacy of Crunches achievement. Okay, so that was probably my own fault, but once the initial thrill wore off I haven’t had much use for this particular weapon at all.

Axe: This is exactly what I would want to have in my hands in a real zombie apocalypse. I loved axes as a child, who didn’t, and I looked for opportunities to smuggle my dad’s axe out of the garage so I could chop things in half with it. Needless to say, there were many times while playing the original Left4Dead game when I found myself low on ammo and wishing for a great big wood handled axe just like this one. I fantasized how I would caress it in my hands while I smashed the living hell out of everything; from zombies to walls and doors and anything in between. As anti-zombie weapons go, this one is highly predictable, but more than satisfying.

Baseball Bat: Wouldn’t you know it, I’m too foolish and unforwardthinking to have preordered the game and received this pretty little weapon as a reward, I can’t lie to you, dear readers. Well, I could, but I won’t. Anyway, when I do get a chance to use it through playing campaign with someone who did think ahead and preorder, it is an absolute treat. Clean, simple, nice to look at, and as American as apple pie and racism. Classic.

Machete: The machete automatically gets big points for being long and sharp and able to cut things. It’s fast and has a strong melee shove, which makes it even easier to line up zombies and cut them in half or cut off their heads. Have I mentioned I like to cut things? The Machete is another favorite childhood toy of mine, and unquestionably a melee weapon of choice.

Nightstick: Not only is it much more pleasing to the eye than say the frying pan or cricket bat, the nightstick grants you the unique and distinct pleasure of beating a riot cop to death from behind, with his own instrument! Yes please! Er, what I meant to say is that it’s faster than any other melee weapons in the game, and it doesn’t hurt that it only appears in my favorite campaign, the Parish. What’s not to like?

Katana Sword: This deadly weapon gives me the most complete visceral experience of any of the melee weapons in L4D2. When it comes to close combat, nothing beats lining up three zombies and slicing all their heads off in one glorious heroic swing. This weapon more than any other weapon gets me lusting for rivers of zombie blood. The sword has been a mainstay of human warfare from time immemorial, that is before the advent of projectile weapons. But now with Left4Dead2’s Katana Sword we hearken back to a simpler time, when people didn’t worry about ammo conservation, reloading, crouching to fire, or any of that nonsense. Just me, my long cold blade, and the unfortunate soul who is going to be eating it. Hell fucking yeah, the Katana Sword is Number One!