Warning! Disclaimer! Alert!

This is the BAD of Bioshock. We really think there were a lot of fine qualities regarding Bioshock the First. Fortunately there have been many other qualified reviewers to painstakingly detail these publicly in their positive reviews. We on the other hand, have chosen to illustrate a different side of Bioshock – that you may not have thought about whist wrapped up in the stylistic glory of this near masterpiece.

You may be wondering what prompted me to do a review of Bioshock at this particular point in time. After all, Bioshock was released in August of 2007, and Bioshock 2 came out quite recently. Shouldn’t I be reviewing Bioshock 2?

Well, that’s the thing. Bioshock 2 is reputed to be much a continuation of Bioshock, and while there were parts of Bioshock that were absolutely fantastic, the game has its problems. Problems that would make me hesitant to pay full purchase price for the second offering in the series, or to advise anyone else to do the same. I am of course aware that Bioshock received rave reviews from the gaming community at large.

Now even if you haven’t played Bioshock, I’m sure you’ve read all about what a groundbreaking game it is. And it’s undeniable that the game is visually something of a masterpiece, showcasing the Art Deco style beautifully. It starts off with a bang, as you find yourself floating amidst the brightly burning wreckage of a crashed airliner; and the game just gets scarier from there! It’s obvious from the opening sequence that Bioshock is a game which must be experienced with a big screen TV and something other than composite cables to really be experienced at all. The opening sequences of the game are very promising indeed.

The descent down the staircase into Rapture is delightfully creepy. What follows is one of the most exciting beginnings to a game that I’ve ever experienced – which is why the overall experience of Bioshock was such an utter disappointment to me when all was said and done. First off, let’s talk about what was new and exciting in this game which was billed as such a groundbreaking piece of gaming history. We’ll leave Ayn Rand and John Galt out of this one. Bioshock is, of course a first person shooter, but with an intriguing twist. Rather than simply acquiring new and better weapons as you progress through the game, Bioshock – as the name implies – employs a system of genetic enhancements (in the form of plasmids) which allow you to incorporate some rather unconventional attacks alongside the arsenal of more traditional first person shooter type weapons which you accumulate throughout the game. Discovering all of the various plasmids and weapons was definitely something I enjoyed. Unfortunately, it doesn’t take long to accumulate all of them, and once you’ve exhausted the possible combinations of plasmid attacks with the various weapons, things get monotonous pretty quickly. Once you have collected your plasmids, it’s a simple issue of upgrading your attacks in order to take on stronger enemies. Not that the enemies change much, mind you – they just get stronger, and so must you. Ad infinitum.

Somewhere around the midpoint of the game, I find myself yawning through yet another routine battle with a big daddy, grimacing at the NO! NO NOOO NO! shrieking of yet another Little Sister, trying not to think about the creepiness of what I just did as she scampered off to her hole in the wall, not even wanting to know what it would look like if I actually decided to HARVEST the EVE, going through the motions at the nearest Gatherer’s Garden whilst Tenenbaum sings my praises for the umpteenth time. I mean come on people, I can’t be the only one who got really fucking sick of this repeated set scene with the little girl I was raping. I mean rescuing. Seriously, I may be the kind of obnoxious loudmouth who is totally okay talking about being knee deep in your mom, or anybody’s mom, hell I’d do it in front of a priest. But somehow, I’m just not thrilled about the fact that the game developers decided that incorporating systematized child abuse into the game’s structure would be just a fabulous idea. Call me old fashioned. So anyway, with that uncomfortable, fucked up sequence temporarily out of mind, I pause the game, check how many Little Sisters I have left to rescue on the level (I’m not afraid to admit I literally can’t bring myself to click the harvest button, thank God, because that is NOT a visual I’m prepared to have floating around in my rather wilful subconscious) so that I don’t fall behind on collecting the Adam I need to make me grow up big and strong, and on and on. Wait, why am I starting to feel like this game is a chore? Probably because I’m surrounded by really beautiful and interesting scenery that I’d just love to explore, but I’m being constantly harassed by screaming splicers who are more of a nuisance than a challenge.

The splicers aren’t the most annoying thing in the game though, not by half. No, that is a distinction reserved for the endless waves of security bots buzzing about, crashing into things, bouncing off of other things, making an incredible racket and generally making me miserable. They reminded me very much of flies and all of their most irritating insect friends interrupting a nice dinner – they can’t really hurt you, but they do their best to ruin your mood and ensure that you waste a bunch of time swatting them out of the air before you can continue about the business at hand. Except that in real life, when I swat a fly down, it stays down. But in Bioshock, I’m forced to either spend Eve and ammunition on killing the stupid things, or I must hack them. By my 20th hack, I was really starting to wonder why on earth they didn’t include some variations if they were going to make hacking such a constant, inevitable part of the game. After all, you don’t just hack into security bots. You must also hack into safes, gun turrets, and security cameras, using the exact same method with varying degrees of difficulty. If there’s anything I’m forgetting – good! I don’t even want to think about this part of the game any more than I absolutely have to. By my 200th hack, I was gritting my teeth to keep my eyes from rolling back in my head, which would cause me to fail at my hack, which would mean I’d have to start the whole insufferable process all over again. With depleted health. Which is a real shame, because at the outset of the game I thought the hacking mini-game was kinda fun. Too bad lack of variation and the overabundance of items to be hacked turned it into such painful drudgery.

Speaking of painful, I don’t even know what to think about the maps in this game, because trying to make sense of them literally gave me a pain in the back of my skull. The same pain I felt in my skull in grade 9, when the teacher handed out petitions to ban dihydrogen monoxide, and people actually signed it???

Yeah, that pain. I can only hope that the developers of Bioshock went out and spent a little of their bonus checks on a copy of nearly any Role Playing game, saw how actual usable maps are done, and implemented some serious changes in Bioshock 2. I haven’t even begun to mention the several hour “glitch” that I was hopelessly stuck on as I equated my failure to lack of ability using the navigation system, rather than a splicer that fell into an area inaccessible to my research lens.

The constant repetitive cycling of the same noises over and over again, regardless of the level or the location within Rapture, becomes tiresome in a big hurry. As much as I would have loved to block out these repeated sounds of cackling and whatever else, which seemed completely random and unrelated to the scenery, I couldn’t, because anytime I allowed myself to indulge in a little mental white noise I would be missing valuable audio elements which are vital to progress in the game.

I would be remiss if I didn’t bring up the element of Bioshock which departs from the normal see-shoot-kill mentality of first person shooter games. If you’re a long suffering academic, or a tortured intellectual perhaps, then this element of the game is something you quite likely play video games to get away from: I am of course talking about Research! This aspect of the game was momentarily interesting in Dead Rising, and that’s where it belongs! In Bioshock it brings an added challenge to the now more or less routine altercations with Splicers and the like. However, much like the endless hacks and the many cartooney-villain voices with which the soundtrack is infested, taking pictures of about a thousand screeching Splicers and their subsequently bloodied corpses grows old. Much like you will whilst you try and capture their essence!

And by the time I’m finished doing  Atlas’ dirty work and I’m on my way to kill Ryan and get the big reveal about Atlas being the real bad guy– and by the way, if anyone hadn’t called it by the midpoint of the game, then I’m convinced their mommy must have played through Bioshock for them. Which is a sacrifice not a lot of mothers would make, to be honest – where was I? Atlas is bad, my mother doesn’t love me, oh god where does that accent come from anyways?

By this point in the game I’m only sticking around because I’m sure it has to be over soon and I’m expecting a big fat whopping payoff after everything I’ve put up with to get as far as I have. And honestly, I could forgive all of the problems with the game if 2K/Irrational Games had only managed to put some effort into the ending. For a game that started off with a magnificent bang, Bioshock truly goes out with a sniveling whimper. I know I’m not the only one who could recite the remarkably uncreative narration of the closing sequence right along with Tenenbaum. I got the good ending, which as far as I recall consisted of a university diploma, a wedding ring, and my character dying in a sanitary hospital bed.

P220 Pistol: We’ll start off with the most boring gun in the game in my opinion. There’s not much to say about this one, since it makes no sense to use this pistol in place of melee weapons which are vastly more effective at close range. It doesn’t bring much to the table and I can’t say I’ve used it more than a few times when there are just so many more exciting weapons to choose from in this game, including a much more powerful handgun. But hey, at least it’s not the Pump Shotgun!

Magnum Pistol: This is obviously a massive power upgrade from the pistol we were all accustomed to in original Left4Dead, not to mention being very very sexy. I really like this gun as it has the ability to drop zombies with one shot to the body, which makes it much quicker and easier to get kills than other L4D handguns. But again, it’s never going to be as effective at warding off zombies in close range as the various Melee Weapons, or at mowing down swarms of Infected quickly from a distance. However, given that the Magnum Pistol is a relatively rare find in Left4Dead2, it’s not a bad idea to give it a try when you get the chance since it does make a nice change from the more usual weapons. And in recognition of its timeless, stunning beauty, I am compelled to award this weapon with the title of Baddest, Sexiest Weapon In Left 4 Dead.

Pump Shotgun: I’m starting things off in the Firearms category with the sad pathetic loser of the Left4Dead2 Projectile Weapon Family. Needless to say I am not overly fond of this gun. I can’t think of anything it is better for than any of your alternatives in the early stages of a campaign. It’s not effective at a distance, but if you want a close range weapon, the game is clearly biased in favor of its many marvelous melee weapons. Add to that the tiresome reloading process and low ammunition capacity and what you get is not happy hunting. This gun has its place in the original game, but L4D2 is a different animal entirely and the pump shotgun is not a winner this time around.

Hunting Rifle: I’ve never had much use for this gun. Every once in a while I am seduced by a desire to kill zombies from far away where they can’t see me and watch their heads explode gore all over their zombie friends aka my next victims – but while this gun appeals to the psycho sniper in me, I’ve never found much use for it in game play since it very quickly becomes a liability in close quarters, and there are other guns with quite sufficient long range for most situations. And just to show you how much I don’t appreciate how you’ve repeatedly seduced me and left me out to dry, Hunting Rifle, I am almost tempted to rank you even lower than the lowly Pump Shotgun. I hope you’re sorry now.

Chrome Shotgun: Better looking than the pump shotgun which gets it a higher ranking, and its higher damage rating helps too. (Yeah, I brought up stats which I wasn’t going to do. I needed some outside help to even have an opinion on this dumb gun, sue me.) But this gun has essentially the same problems as the pump shotgun and a carry capacity of 56 as opposed to 128 for its uglier cousin the Pump. No one cares about you, Chrome Shotgun. Moving on.

Silenced Submachine Gun:   I just hate the look and feel of this thing. Maybe it’s because I feel like I’m holding a big black dildo or … something … and I just didn’t sign up for that, you know? Whatever it is, I can’t really be bothered to analyze exactly why I’m so annoyed by this stupid little gun, all I know for sure is that in the event I get stuck with it? I’m tossing it the first chance I get for something bigger and badder. And there are a number of these big bad guns in L4D2 as we shall see soon enough.

Auto Shotgun: Also known as the Tactical Shotgun, for all you diehard original Left4Deaders. Well, this is a big step up from the pump shotgun, that much is obvious. Like, one-great-leap-for-mankind step up. But honestly, all this gun really does in L4D2 is make me miss Francis. It just felt right to use an Auto Shotgun when I was walking miles in Francis’s boots. And much like the Pump Shotgun and its chrome variation, the Auto Shotgun is really obsolete in Left4Dead2 as far as I’m concerned. Melee Weapons 3, Shotguns 0 so far.

Sniper Rifle:    Honestly, I haven’t even used this thing enough to comment on it. SO I guess that means that I’m just gonna have to pop the game in and go kill some zombies, I hope you all understand just how much I’m willing to do for you. Or something.  *Epic failure with Sniper Rifle* Okay! I tried it and I have to say, all the stats on how it’s more powerful and accurate than anything else in the game are fine and dandy… but when actually using it, I think this gun fucking sucks. It’s big and obtrustive for one thing, taking up more of the screen than other firearms, which if you’re like me and you are bothered by things in your peripheral vision, this gun is not for you. It is useless in close, and terribly inaccurate on the move. And movement is such a key part of the game that in my mind this gun can take its fancy stats and shove them.

Grenade Launcher: Technically doesn’t really belong with the firearms, but I’m making up the rules as I go. This is fun to use on groups of zombies bunched up close together, but if you’re not careful (and I am generally not nearly careful enough) the grenade launcher can bite you in the ass. I can’t say I feel real strongly about this weapon one way or the other, it’s nice as a novelty when you come across it from time to time.

Submachine Gun:   Unlike its worthless irritating cousin the silenced submachine gun, I actually like this one quite a bit. You may think it’s basically the same weapon, but all submachine guns are not created equal in the Left4Dead universe. It sounds good, feels good, and its rate of fire definitely comes in handy. It’s great for running full tilt, spraying bullets at everything in sight. Plus it looks really good on my video game husband, Bill.

Combat Rifle / Desert Rifle / SCAR: This gun is quite the looker. Like a lot of sexy ladies though, the longer you have to listen to her the more she loses her appeal! for me, a big part of a gun’s attraction is the noise it makes, and this gun unfortunately falls a bit short in that category. This gun has a big upside in terms of accuracy and ammo conservation though, and is really a pleasure to use, especially in levels where you’re going to be firing on the run and running for your life.

Combat Shotgun: Now we have come to the first truly drool worthy new weapon in Left4Dead2, and the only shotgun that really pulls its weight. It has a slightly longer range than the other, inferior shotguns, but I don’t care about that. What I do care about is the sheer destructive power of this gun which is magnificent – She is truly a beast, and she is exactly what I was hoping to get from the second installment of the Left4Dead saga. Still, she IS a shotgun, and shotguns are not a part of the ideal one-two combo of weaponry in L4D2 so I can only allocate a small part of my heart for Combat Shotgun. I do need to be careful about getting overly attached to guns who aren’t 100% worthy of my devotion. In the hierarchy of Left4Dead guns, Combat Shotgun can never go higher than Friend love.

AK-47: I love the sound of this gun, and given the choice I’ve been known to use it over the more accurate M-16 for that reason. While it’s not the most accurate or best looking gun in the game, it certainly has its charms. Its delightful sound is the result of a lower rate of fire than the M-16, but fortunately that hardly matters when you are careening around the carnival running up to zombies and shooting them in the face. When things get hairy I’ll be looking to pass this off for a more complete weapon, but I make sure every once in a while to spend some quality time with this baby.

M-16 Assault Rifle: What can I even say about this beautiful weapon? It’s simply the greatest, I love this gun. Powerful, accurate from long range, music to the ears and the sworn enemy of every kind of Infected. This was easily the best weapon from the first installation, and not much has changed the second time around in Left 4 Dead. This gun has not gotten old and I doubt it ever will. M-16, you have been my constant companion through many long and arduous campaigns, and I know we will stay close for years to come.

So Capcom and Microsoft and whoever else have earned some kudos in my book before the game is even out of the wrapper. Yes, style points definitely count and this 360 is FABBBBBUUUUUULOUS!

First off, you don’t want anything to do with this game if you aren’t going to be playing it through at least a few times, because the game is designed to give you a better experience the more you play. The high replay value stems not from any one facet of the game, because everything about the game is designed to contribute to continued playability. The cinematics are beautiful from the get go, and everything you would expect from the Resident Evil title – creepy, gruesome and explosively violent, more and more so as the game progresses.

The scenery in the game is all interesting, but some chapters are certainly prettier than others! The maps are rich in detail, and while you may find it counterintuitive for a game with any ties to the survival horror genre to take place largely out of doors and in bright sunlight, don’t be fooled by appearances. The path often appears deceptively easy, only to leave you running into dead ends and wondering where you could possibly have gone so terribly wrong, as you collapse into a bloody heap screaming for your partner who is nowhere to be found, off on the other end of the convoluted maze you so confidently blundered into. I can’t speak to the level of challenge involved in navigating Resident Evil 5 as compared to other Resident Evil games. But I can say that the maps provide players with a high level of variety in the scenery and the layout, which makes the process of exploring interesting and enjoyable, not to mention highly profitable in terms of the treasures and other goodies you can find.

These treasures, which include jewels, masks, gold, and other enticing items, are another aspect of the game which adds to its high replay value. Some treasures are hidden throughout the maps, while others drop off of certain enemies when they are slain. You may then choose to sell your treasures to purchase needed items like health spray, bullets and weapon upgrades. The weapon upgrades also add a great deal to replay value. The fact that the guns start out really frustrating and terrible is offset by the joy of finding newer and more powerful weapons and maxing out their upgrade potential.

The character outfits are decent enough on the first play through, but I have a feeling not many players will be switching back to the originals once they unlock Chris’ sexy S.T.A.R.S. uniform and Sheva’s bare midriff. The tribal costume you can unlock for Sheva is a masterpiece of gaming, and if you feel the need to dress her up, there is a ‘club costume’ option available as well. Honestly, you can’t experience the game in its true unapologetic glory until you’ve walked or trotted every inch of every map in Sheva’s high heels, with your loincloth flapping up to offer peeks at her very best assets. As I played the game for the first time, I was always conscious that, as soon as I was finished, I could unlock Sheva and have her prancing across my screen in HD – this knowledge fueled my lust for zombie blood, hardening my resolve to destroy everything that stood between me and this delightful creature. Granted she is always present as your AI partner, but it’s just not the same when you aren’t controlling her yourself, up close and personal. Suffice it to say, the designers responsible for Sheva should be very proud of themselves in my opinion. Very proud indeed.

Sheva is really smart and talented.

Speaking of the Artificial Intelligence in Resident Evil 5, it’s very good. It can’t compete with the experience of playing co-op mode with a skilled human being, but that’s not really a relevant criticism. The AI is very good at serving your needs in whatever situation you may find yourself in; all it takes is a little bit of planning on your part. Load your AI partner up with a good gun and plenty of ammo if you need some assistance getting through a tough fight. The AI will adjust their game play to suit the weapon(s) you provide them with. The AI can be a lifesaver quite often early on in the game when you have poor weapons and ammo is in short supply. Later on, when you have your choice of a powerful arsenal, you can use them as a mule for storing ammunition, items and weapons. If you feel that the AI is hogging too many of your kills, simply take their gun away and load them up with health spray – voila, you have your own personal medic. Essentially, the AI partner can be adapted to suit your exact needs and wishes. And if your strategy for getting the most out of your computer controlled comrade should fail, leaving you to your grisly death, you have the chance to make changes to their equipment and inventory before you head back into the fray.

Co-op mode isn’t just an option as for RE5 as far as I’m concerned, but the best way to fully enjoy the game. As much as I appreciate what the developers accomplished with their AI, the adventure truly comes alive as you battle alongside another player. Your AI partner is more than adequate to help you through the game if you are playing solo, however, so if you’re a lone wolf you’ll still have a great experience.

There are some elements in this game which I found a little bizarre at first, such as the library of figurines which you can unlock and .. look at? My first thought was that collecting figurines and looking at them isn’t something I want to do much of in real life, let alone in a video game! But on the other hand, the figurine library is all part of the system of points in RE5 which I actually like quite a lot. The game scores you on your performance in a chapter out of four possible grades, based on your kill totals, speed of completion, accuracy and the number of times you die. You are awarded points for your performance every time you finish a chapter. These points can then be spent toward the purchase of figurines, or unlocking unlimited ammo for different weapons, or what have you. So if you want to set some additional challenges for yourself there are any number of ways to do it; it’s really all up to you. This grading system is a nice way of rewarding skilled play, and it helps keep the game interesting as you find yourself playing certain levels over and over again. And yes, I eventually expect to unlock every last figurine and I’m sure I will be excessively proud of myself when I do so!

I like her a lot she's a good person!

Getting back to the topic of guns, I do recommend playing the game with a buddy who has all of the big sexy guns and unlimited ammo already, if you can. I know the Resident Evil series has its roots in the survival horror genre, but the fifth installation does depart from that. There are people on the internet who claim to play resident evil 5 solo with unlimited ammo turned off, but I am not nor will I ever become one of those people. I’m not about to be told I can’t use the biggest most powerful gun possible! Yet I’ll willingly use pistols in original left 4 dead because I’m hardcore like that. The real fun in this game to my mind is in getting your mitts on the biggest sexiest guns possible and blowing stuff the hell up. And there are some very big and some very sexy guns in this game to be sure! If you are a weapon fetishist, er, aficionado like me, Resident Evil 5 is chock full of delights. I never get tired of looking at my Lightning Hawk, and after you unlock your very own rocket launcher with unlimited rockets, your life will never be the same. I promise.

This is just a brief overview of the things which stand out to me about Resident Evil 5. If I were to attempt a really exhaustive analysis of the game, I’m not sure I would ever finish finding things to talk about. So instead I will simply offer some closing thoughts on the game as a whole. The more I play Resident Evil 5, and the more I think about it, the more I come to appreciate the meticulous planning and marvellous execution by producer Jun Takeuchi and his team at Capcom. Resident Evil 5 boasts a rich layering of elements which enable the player to bring many different approaches to the game experience: leisurely exploration, treasure hunting, speed runs, whatever takes your fancy at any given time. Even as you play the same maps over and over, there are many areas where you are able to make continued progress. RE5 is as solid an investment as any for gamers who like to know that they’ll still feel like grabbing it off the shelf and having another go at it every now and again. In that sense, Resident Evil number 5 has not rested on the family laurels, but has added its own distinctive mark to the great Resident Evil tradition. It is a standout in the Third Person Shooter genre, and a game well worth getting to know.

Zombie Genocidest

When it comes to Left 4 Dead 2, there is potentially a great deal to talk about. There are some things I really love about this game, and there are some areas where it’s a marked letdown from the original Left 4 Dead offering from its creator Valve. But you’ve played the game, I’m sure, and you know all this. So let’s talk about what’s really fun and interesting in any first person shooter game, which is of course the WEAPONS. There are certainly a lot of weapons to choose from in this game, some old favorites from original Left 4 Dead are here along with some not-so-favorites, and there are some truly exciting new offerings as well. Exploring the new scenery in the various campaigns was fun, but even more than the new maps I have enjoyed getting to know some of these new weapons. I thought about maybe coming up with some complicated formula for ranking the various Melee Weapons and Firearms according to their effectiveness in addition to my own personal preference, but that’s been done to death by this point, and really I’m not outfitting a real army – I’m interested in having the best possible gaming experience. With that in mind, I will rank weapons in order based on their overall appeal which results from a combination of their look, their sound, and their playability. It’s a tremendously complex formula, but you’ll just have to trust me. I’ll divide them, naturally, into 2 categories, Melee Weapons and Projectile Weapons (essentially, guns). They are ranked in order from Least Cool to Most Hellaciously Fantastically Pump-You-Up-To-Kill-Some-Fucking-Zombies Awesome.

Pumped To Kill

The Melee Weapons of Left 4 Dead

Frying Pan: The worst of the worst. I HATE this so called weapon. To illustrate what a truly despicable item this really is, why don’t you come along with me on an imaginary journey, at the end of which you must surely agree that the Frying Pan simply has no place in any self respecting Zombie Hunter’s arsenal. Imagine for a moment that you had fought your way through some zombie infested hell and in the course of your adventures you had the chance to rescue the world’s one and only remaining supermodel and her porn star twin sister from where they had been holed up away from red blooded men for months on end (don’t worry, their hideout somehow has running water and is an oasis of hygiene in an otherwise really disgusting world. This is after all the imagination of a reclusive agoraphobe) and when you finally cleared the last of the zombie hordes standing between you and the most epic we-could-all-die-at-any-time-
threesome-with-twins-who-are-totally-grateful-to-you-for-saving-their-lives-and-they’ll-do-anything-you-want-sex – imagine if after all this you were to go bursting through the door wielding a FUCKING FRYING PAN in your hand like the world’s very biggest virgin! I mean, if they were going to put a stupid ironic weapon in the game that no one would be caught dead using in the real zombie apocalypse, well then, why not a wifebeater-leather belt combo? At least then it could have some kinky uses when you get down to the freaky apocalypse Sex For The Ages. Again, in case you are still not sure how I feel, I HATE this stupid ugly worthless stupid weapon. A lot.

Cricket Bat: Forgive me, but since when is Left4Dead2 set in England? This weapon makes no sense to me at all. It’s big and stupid looking and doesn’t provide a very satisfactory sound either. It’s effective, I’ll admit that, but I’m not willing to settle for mere effectiveness in my search for the Ultimate Melee Weapon. I just can’t see using something like this to kill zombies if you had any  respectable alternatives, and I’m not afraid to say the cricket bat just sucks.

Guitar: Rounding out the Trio of Shame, we have the guitar. I’m a little conflicted about this one. I mean, it looks kinda cool, but it’s an amazingly stupid thing to use as a weapon if you think about it. The thought of trying to fend off zombies by swinging a big heavy guitar by the neck makes me cringe. Maybe that’s just because my weak girly arms would fail miserably and I would end up on the bottom of a zombie swarm and I don’t even want to think about which parts would get eaten in what order. But no, it’s not just me. The Left4Dead2 guitar doesn’t have novelty on its side either, since the whole beating zombies to death with a guitar idea has been done, and I think Dead Rising did it much better. Although I suppose the guitar does fit pretty well with the concert themed ending to Dark Carnival.

Crowbar: I enjoy the crowbar, not so much for its actual performance in the game but rather because using it leads me to have some wonderfully gruesome visuals of a real life crowbar sinking into the skull of a real live zombie and tearing off a big chunk of its skull. The actual weapon itself isn’t all that offensive or remarkable in any way.

Chainsaw: The chainsaw looks really awesome, but in terms of actual gameplay I find it gets old pretty fast. It’s loud, cumbersome, has a long start up time, it generates a lot of smoke and blood which obscure your vision, and when it runs out of fuel it switches to your pistol automatically and ruins your bid at the Confederacy of Crunches achievement. Okay, so that was probably my own fault, but once the initial thrill wore off I haven’t had much use for this particular weapon at all.

Axe: This is exactly what I would want to have in my hands in a real zombie apocalypse. I loved axes as a child, who didn’t, and I looked for opportunities to smuggle my dad’s axe out of the garage so I could chop things in half with it. Needless to say, there were many times while playing the original Left4Dead game when I found myself low on ammo and wishing for a great big wood handled axe just like this one. I fantasized how I would caress it in my hands while I smashed the living hell out of everything; from zombies to walls and doors and anything in between. As anti-zombie weapons go, this one is highly predictable, but more than satisfying.

Baseball Bat: Wouldn’t you know it, I’m too foolish and unforwardthinking to have preordered the game and received this pretty little weapon as a reward, I can’t lie to you, dear readers. Well, I could, but I won’t. Anyway, when I do get a chance to use it through playing campaign with someone who did think ahead and preorder, it is an absolute treat. Clean, simple, nice to look at, and as American as apple pie and racism. Classic.

Machete: The machete automatically gets big points for being long and sharp and able to cut things. It’s fast and has a strong melee shove, which makes it even easier to line up zombies and cut them in half or cut off their heads. Have I mentioned I like to cut things? The Machete is another favorite childhood toy of mine, and unquestionably a melee weapon of choice.

Nightstick: Not only is it much more pleasing to the eye than say the frying pan or cricket bat, the nightstick grants you the unique and distinct pleasure of beating a riot cop to death from behind, with his own instrument! Yes please! Er, what I meant to say is that it’s faster than any other melee weapons in the game, and it doesn’t hurt that it only appears in my favorite campaign, the Parish. What’s not to like?

Katana Sword: This deadly weapon gives me the most complete visceral experience of any of the melee weapons in L4D2. When it comes to close combat, nothing beats lining up three zombies and slicing all their heads off in one glorious heroic swing. This weapon more than any other weapon gets me lusting for rivers of zombie blood. The sword has been a mainstay of human warfare from time immemorial, that is before the advent of projectile weapons. But now with Left4Dead2’s Katana Sword we hearken back to a simpler time, when people didn’t worry about ammo conservation, reloading, crouching to fire, or any of that nonsense. Just me, my long cold blade, and the unfortunate soul who is going to be eating it. Hell fucking yeah, the Katana Sword is Number One!

Legion starts off rather quickly and action packed. Which could be positive, and gave me high hopes that Legion would be action packed, and I could just watch explosions and gore, and be content without thinking for a short period of time. The action continues on for the first portion of Legion. Then sadly the action slows down, and the audience is blessed with what should have been plot development. Except it was filled archetypes getting to know other archetypes. Which in reality is very boring to watch, because all of these characters seem very familiar. Then the third act of Legion is more action packed and slightly more entertaining. Which doesn’t translate to being very entertaining. Now Legion fuses the action from the first act, and the “character development” of the second act. Which equates to a mild and lackluster finale.

Legion has all the elements of cheesy horror filmmaking, and yet it does not seem to embrace being a cheesy horror movie. Instead of having cheesy horror trademarks like nudity, sex, or gore. It replaces those elements with pretentious religious garbage. It’s not like nudity, sex, or gore could have saved this movie. I also fundamentally disagree with Legion on the premise that all angels have English accents. First why do the angels have to be English. It sets the precedent that the English are special in some way. Like the Queen of England actually has divine right, which is an absurd premise. I believe I heard the best description of her while walking around Toronto, “Fuck your Queen, she has the personality of a dead skunk.” Warming I know, I was very pleased that I wasn’t the only one thinking that. Which is also what the Queen of England has in common with this movie. At it’s best Legion is a laughably bad movie, sadly these moments are short lived.

I am sure that Legion will appeal to some people. I’m not sure who, but I’m certain there is some demographic that appeals to emotional over protection males, that are also creepy. Maybe people who enjoy mocking religion and religious people who hope and pray for rapture.

The con was split up in two halves, which was a little confusing at first. On the right side of the hotel you found registration, the entertainment room (Main Events), Vendor’s Room, Autograph Area, and Artist’s Alley (the Smallpress Zone). On the left side after a little trek through the courtyard, you were able to find the Console Game Room, CCG Room, and Anime Viewing Rooms.

The Slants rocked SacAnime hardcore on Saturday Night!

Special Guests included Vic Mignogna, Travis Willingham, Laura Bailey, Lisa Furukawa and Tom Kane. Entertainment Included Live Music, The Slants on Saturday night and Voltaire on Friday evening.  On Saturday we enjoyed the Sac Club Rave with Random DJSTD: DJ Jinrei, DJ Amaya, DJ Helsing who will be featured later this year at ACEN and Fanime if you want to catch them again.

The crazy Otaku Anime Rave party in Sacramento

A very popular activity when convention going is the Anime & Live Action viewing rooms. At the Sacramento Anime Convention there were only two of these, one for each genre. The Anime and Live Action viewing rooms were located right in the beautiful Radisson Hotel Courtyard, unfortunately the decorative fountain added an additional soundtrack of splashing and splooshing sounds that were almost as loud as the sound from the projector itself. It would have been nice to see the Viewing Rooms open 24 hours a day instead of from 4 to 12 on Friday,  10 to 5 on Sunday and a mere twelve hours on Saturday.

The Anime viewing room had a much larger projector but the projector’s placement was counter intuitive. The projector screen (which was not actually a screen and was fashioned out of some other type of noticeable material) was displayed across the entire wall from the roof to the floor. Bigger screen is better right? Not in this instance. If there was anyone sitting in front of you, you would have trouble seeing parts of the bottom of the screen.  This wouldn’t be too much of a problem for regular titles, but for subtitled showings it became a problem. It’s hard to watch something when you can only read half of what is going on!

Team Love-Hate's Artistic masterpiece

We enjoyed lots of eye-candy at the SacAnime Convention. We were particularly excited over Team Love-Hate’s artistic display. If you aren’t familiar with Team Love-Hate they are local to Sacramento, California and they produce some amazing work. Check them out on their website.

The gaming room was a blast and offered up Console buy in Tournaments (from $2-5) in all sorts of games and the competition was fierce. Free play was also available on a wide variety of platforms (some of which were attached to bigscreen T.V.’s ). Many games were available from old school titles like Sonic the Hedge Hog and Golden Axe on Sega Genesis to BlazBlue and Halo 3 ODST on PS3 and Xbox 360.

SacAnime Vendor Room - Pawstar

We were pleasantly surprised with the dealers room. Sacramento is a small city and we did not expect three vendors for Gothic Lolita Clothing alone. There was even one vendor, Harajuku Hearts, selling Brand Gothic lolita, Metamorphose temps de fille and Putumayo clothing lines. Other vendors were selling discount Bodyline dresses, and another was selling her adorable gothic lolita clothing that she designed and fashioned herself.

There were additional vendors (Visual You) selling some Visual Kei clothing alongside their regular merchandise. Pawstar was there, who we are familiar with from the Anime Central Convention in IL. They carry fuzzy leg warmers, collars, wrist cuffs and more. We would surmise that they are responsible for much of the plethora of fuzz you see at anime cons these days. All of the regular stuff was there as well of course,  fan merchandise, manga, magazines, DVDs, Video Games, plush toys, T-shirts, keychains, and of course POCKY!

The Death Note Cosplayers were too cute!

Overall we think the SacAnime convention was a lot of fun and definitely worth a visit. Cosplay was rampant, Con-goers were friendly and while the Panels were sparse, they were quite meaty! If you’re interested in seeing more of our photographs from SacAnime 2010 please visit the SacAnime Gallery (coming soon) or for additional convention information visit their official website, SacAnime.com.

I went to the local Game Stop to pick up this luscious title, only to have the Assistant Manager tell me not to waste $30, let alone three dollars on it. I was in a particularly feeble mood and I caved in like a zombies skull hit with the butt of a shotgun.

I left the store disappointed, head down with my eyes on the ground, holding a used copy Ghostbusters. A copy that didn’t even work! By the time I went back to Game Stop to return the defunct disc, the price of the Ghostbusters game had decreased over $10 in price. Sigh.

The other night I decided to stroll into Blockbuster to check out the used game selection and there she was… for 14.99, Onechanbara: Bikini Samurai Squad for 360. She was staring me in the face. Oh sweetie, there you are! I wasn’t going to let you go. Not this time, not for anything! I wrapped her in my arms closely (along with a Copy of Tomb Raider Anniversary) and spoke softly to her… “It is destiny that we are together at last”. As soon as I got home I plugged it in and I was instantly glued to the screen. And Okay, I’ll admit that I have a few personality similarities to an adolescent boy, but I can’t help myself… um boobs?

The game is sparkly, shiny and combines two– three of my favorite things: Zombies, Fashion and Incredibly sexy ladies!!! After a few hours of game play I decided to take another look at the reviews online and see if I could find a walk-through or two. I was appalled by what I saw! Critics didn’t just hate this game, they loathed it! The words “Sexist”, “Cheap”, and “Bad” came up again and again.

I really don’t see what is so bad about this game. If you have a problem with the game because of the targeted demographic, find something else to play! As for the graphics, we have to keep in mind while Onechanbara: Bikini Samurai Squad was released in 2009 in the US, it was actually a 2006 Japanese release.

When we start to rate games based on our own personal bias instead of the demographic that the game was released for we start to see a major problem in the whole system of gaming reviews. Reviews like these are acceptable for a small personal review site where we see open sharing of unique paradigms.

I have trouble seeing reviews like this that reflect the opinion of an entire gaming organization. I was offended by the words published by Gamespot , “You can see sultry women in swimsuits for free on the Internet ” and IGN in particular “But really, if near-naked girls are what has you excited about Onechanbara, I’d like to introduce you to Google. It’s free.”. Ogling sexy ladies in a video game is drastically different than viewing 404’s when surfing through google image search for porn. What about all the prepubescent boys with Net Nanny on their computers? Special time revoked! Think about the children.

To see this happen on IGN, & Gamespot is disheartening at best. I was under the impression that they are supposed to be rating a game based on it’s actual playability instead of how it aligns with their particular interests, values or tastes.

This game has a very Japanese storyline. It’s super cute, uber kawaii Otaku candy. It’s goofy, and wacky. It’s the story of two sisters Aya and Saki!

Aya and Saki’s veins pulsate with Baneful Blood. A zombie outbreak fueled by this very same blood sends them out of their comfortable loft on an adventurous (and murderous) rampage. With only their swords by their sides, the girls go to put things right in the world.

Many of the other online reviews mentioned the storyline not making much sense. Hello! Has anyone seen Machine Girl here? This is a story of sex appeal, mindless violence and defending your honor!

I enjoyed the first cut-scene, it oozed sensuality. The shower scene did a wonderful job of leaving out all the naughty bits, but they kept it natural. No newspaper in front of the genitals here!

The game is very repetitive, which is fine! Much like Earth Defense Force: 2017, you will face mindless swarms of enemies that you take on again, and again! Mind numbing, but in a good way. It’s a great game to zone out to while enjoying some quality (albeit somewhat pixelated, T&A).

The music is awesome, poppy, and Japanese, it’s very reminiscent of FFX-2’s soundtrack (which in my opinion is an wholly underrated game with a terrible nonsensical ending).

There are several types of game play, Story Mode, Survival, and Freeplay (as well as a practice mode as well). Leveling up is kept consistent throughout the several types of game play. Normal needs to be completed to unlock higher game difficulty levels.

Different outfits and character modification aspects (eye color, hair color, etc) can be unlocked by completing different “QUEST” objectives. In “Dress Up”mode they didn’t skimp on the customization menus and controls whatsoever. It’s a really nice game attribute. The Quest objectives double as many of the XBL achievements as well. The achievements are somewhat tedious, so if you’re looking for a game to quickly boost your gamer score, this is not it!

I don’t think this game is perfect. I was extremely disappointed with the level of control when manipulating your viewfinder in the game. Annna (the third character who comes into play later in the game) is nearly impossible to play without targeting using the right bumper and even then shes just miserable. Point yourself in the right direction (if you can get there) then fire. You miss most of the time. The viewfinder isn’t that big of a problem with the two main heroines of the game. The hacking and slashing happens in every direction. You can access most enemies around you with ease, just pick your preferred move and use the left analog stick to guide your direction. If you have trouble use the convenient EDF like mini-map in the upper right hand corner.

Overall I enjoy the game, and I think it needs to be appreciated for what it is. Compared to many of the other games released at the same time, yes, it is lacking in a few areas. When we look at this game for what it is, a old-schoolish hack and slash adventure full of boobs and gore, I think it’s pretty darn great. 6.5/10 MP.

I may be exposing a slight inclination that there is something extremely wrong with me. For the last 48 hours I have been playing a game called Flora’s Fruit Farm. Now, I don’t want you getting the wrong idea! I didn’t go out of my way to pick up this game, but steam being sneaky as steam does best and snuck Flora’s Fruit Farm into a little game pack that I bought myself for Christmas. When I found out that the Edios Collectors game pack not only included Batman: Arkham Asylum, but was on sale for $49.99 (a whopping $212.45 off) I could not resist.

I played Tomb Raider: Legend on 360 when it first game out, the controls seemed disjointed at best. I wanted to give it another chance on PC where the game might be a little bit more streamlined. There is no way I was going to throw Lara in the Garbage after one bad experience. Laura and I, we had so many good times together on the PlayStation Entertainment System. I wasn’t letting go yet. While Tomb Raider Legend and my other more intense downloads were still marinating (that’s what they do when your top speed is 100kbs down) sheer curiosity took hold and I had to Install.

I was fascinated by Flora and her Fancy Fruit Farm. For as my most sexy male gamer friend pointed out, A game must be of the utmost caliber when the third Google result – is a Rapidshare public tracker torrent download link.

Upon launch of Flora’s Fruit Farm I had a uncomfortable jolt resonate throughout my body. Uncomfortable!!! Jenna? Jenna! You are an open minded person. Are you not the same girl who played through PF Magic’s (I mean Ubisoft’s *cough*) Catz 2 on Ps2 Earlier this year? You need to give this game a try! You owe it to your fundamental open minded libertarian values.

Flora’s Fruit Farm started out with a creepy old man approaching a cute young lady (cute in the 14 year old’s that draw anime behind you in math class sort of way) and you have to think to yourself; “Young lady, should you really be talking to strangers?” It wasn’t candy this old man was offering up, but MAGICAL GLOVES and Flora accepts them with enthusiasm (It is Flora’s Fruit Farm, Afterall).

If you’re thinking this game is anything like Harvest Moon, you’re wrong. It’s more like some kind of weird “time attack” game where you’re working against the clock. More objectives and obstacles come into play as each Chapter (sections of levels, or land – ho ho) progress. You use your whimsical magical glove magic to work each tree that you are given. You sing to it – you make it grow! This takes time, and the minutes quickly tick away on the clock. Soon your customers start to arrive. The fruits sprout instantly as you discover them, but serving up plain old fruit only gets you about $2 or so.  While “specialty fruit” fetch upwards of $12 – it’s up to you to make that fruit magical! You use your magic dust to make the fruit “Sparkle” or “Grow” and there are bonuses for both, you can also layer the special fruit attributes.

There are different types of customers and each different type of customer prefers a different type of fruit and their tips vary accordingly. Old ladies come in gaggles for your Pears, but watch out – these old ladies have tempers and they don’t like to wait. As the game goes on you learn the different quirks, preferences and temperaments of your client base. At the beginning of each  the # of each type of customer you are going to encounter in each level is disclosed. Tailor your dust levels and fruit choices for the intersection of cash payoffs/tips.

Overall I think this game has taught me a lot – Eskimos love Strawberries (which is natural because they grow in the snow) and beating animals with magical gloves is encouraged if you don’t want them to get at your sweet sweet fruity meats.

I give this game 6/10 MP. The game and soundtrack are simple and repetitive. Strangely addictive, it’ll only slightly recharge you with magical power.