Warning! Disclaimer! Alert!

This is the BAD of Bioshock. We really think there were a lot of fine qualities regarding Bioshock the First. Fortunately there have been many other qualified reviewers to painstakingly detail these publicly in their positive reviews. We on the other hand, have chosen to illustrate a different side of Bioshock – that you may not have thought about whist wrapped up in the stylistic glory of this near masterpiece.

You may be wondering what prompted me to do a review of Bioshock at this particular point in time. After all, Bioshock was released in August of 2007, and Bioshock 2 came out quite recently. Shouldn’t I be reviewing Bioshock 2?

Well, that’s the thing. Bioshock 2 is reputed to be much a continuation of Bioshock, and while there were parts of Bioshock that were absolutely fantastic, the game has its problems. Problems that would make me hesitant to pay full purchase price for the second offering in the series, or to advise anyone else to do the same. I am of course aware that Bioshock received rave reviews from the gaming community at large.

Now even if you haven’t played Bioshock, I’m sure you’ve read all about what a groundbreaking game it is. And it’s undeniable that the game is visually something of a masterpiece, showcasing the Art Deco style beautifully. It starts off with a bang, as you find yourself floating amidst the brightly burning wreckage of a crashed airliner; and the game just gets scarier from there! It’s obvious from the opening sequence that Bioshock is a game which must be experienced with a big screen TV and something other than composite cables to really be experienced at all. The opening sequences of the game are very promising indeed.

The descent down the staircase into Rapture is delightfully creepy. What follows is one of the most exciting beginnings to a game that I’ve ever experienced – which is why the overall experience of Bioshock was such an utter disappointment to me when all was said and done. First off, let’s talk about what was new and exciting in this game which was billed as such a groundbreaking piece of gaming history. We’ll leave Ayn Rand and John Galt out of this one. Bioshock is, of course a first person shooter, but with an intriguing twist. Rather than simply acquiring new and better weapons as you progress through the game, Bioshock – as the name implies – employs a system of genetic enhancements (in the form of plasmids) which allow you to incorporate some rather unconventional attacks alongside the arsenal of more traditional first person shooter type weapons which you accumulate throughout the game. Discovering all of the various plasmids and weapons was definitely something I enjoyed. Unfortunately, it doesn’t take long to accumulate all of them, and once you’ve exhausted the possible combinations of plasmid attacks with the various weapons, things get monotonous pretty quickly. Once you have collected your plasmids, it’s a simple issue of upgrading your attacks in order to take on stronger enemies. Not that the enemies change much, mind you – they just get stronger, and so must you. Ad infinitum.

Somewhere around the midpoint of the game, I find myself yawning through yet another routine battle with a big daddy, grimacing at the NO! NO NOOO NO! shrieking of yet another Little Sister, trying not to think about the creepiness of what I just did as she scampered off to her hole in the wall, not even wanting to know what it would look like if I actually decided to HARVEST the EVE, going through the motions at the nearest Gatherer’s Garden whilst Tenenbaum sings my praises for the umpteenth time. I mean come on people, I can’t be the only one who got really fucking sick of this repeated set scene with the little girl I was raping. I mean rescuing. Seriously, I may be the kind of obnoxious loudmouth who is totally okay talking about being knee deep in your mom, or anybody’s mom, hell I’d do it in front of a priest. But somehow, I’m just not thrilled about the fact that the game developers decided that incorporating systematized child abuse into the game’s structure would be just a fabulous idea. Call me old fashioned. So anyway, with that uncomfortable, fucked up sequence temporarily out of mind, I pause the game, check how many Little Sisters I have left to rescue on the level (I’m not afraid to admit I literally can’t bring myself to click the harvest button, thank God, because that is NOT a visual I’m prepared to have floating around in my rather wilful subconscious) so that I don’t fall behind on collecting the Adam I need to make me grow up big and strong, and on and on. Wait, why am I starting to feel like this game is a chore? Probably because I’m surrounded by really beautiful and interesting scenery that I’d just love to explore, but I’m being constantly harassed by screaming splicers who are more of a nuisance than a challenge.

The splicers aren’t the most annoying thing in the game though, not by half. No, that is a distinction reserved for the endless waves of security bots buzzing about, crashing into things, bouncing off of other things, making an incredible racket and generally making me miserable. They reminded me very much of flies and all of their most irritating insect friends interrupting a nice dinner – they can’t really hurt you, but they do their best to ruin your mood and ensure that you waste a bunch of time swatting them out of the air before you can continue about the business at hand. Except that in real life, when I swat a fly down, it stays down. But in Bioshock, I’m forced to either spend Eve and ammunition on killing the stupid things, or I must hack them. By my 20th hack, I was really starting to wonder why on earth they didn’t include some variations if they were going to make hacking such a constant, inevitable part of the game. After all, you don’t just hack into security bots. You must also hack into safes, gun turrets, and security cameras, using the exact same method with varying degrees of difficulty. If there’s anything I’m forgetting – good! I don’t even want to think about this part of the game any more than I absolutely have to. By my 200th hack, I was gritting my teeth to keep my eyes from rolling back in my head, which would cause me to fail at my hack, which would mean I’d have to start the whole insufferable process all over again. With depleted health. Which is a real shame, because at the outset of the game I thought the hacking mini-game was kinda fun. Too bad lack of variation and the overabundance of items to be hacked turned it into such painful drudgery.

Speaking of painful, I don’t even know what to think about the maps in this game, because trying to make sense of them literally gave me a pain in the back of my skull. The same pain I felt in my skull in grade 9, when the teacher handed out petitions to ban dihydrogen monoxide, and people actually signed it???

Yeah, that pain. I can only hope that the developers of Bioshock went out and spent a little of their bonus checks on a copy of nearly any Role Playing game, saw how actual usable maps are done, and implemented some serious changes in Bioshock 2. I haven’t even begun to mention the several hour “glitch” that I was hopelessly stuck on as I equated my failure to lack of ability using the navigation system, rather than a splicer that fell into an area inaccessible to my research lens.

The constant repetitive cycling of the same noises over and over again, regardless of the level or the location within Rapture, becomes tiresome in a big hurry. As much as I would have loved to block out these repeated sounds of cackling and whatever else, which seemed completely random and unrelated to the scenery, I couldn’t, because anytime I allowed myself to indulge in a little mental white noise I would be missing valuable audio elements which are vital to progress in the game.

I would be remiss if I didn’t bring up the element of Bioshock which departs from the normal see-shoot-kill mentality of first person shooter games. If you’re a long suffering academic, or a tortured intellectual perhaps, then this element of the game is something you quite likely play video games to get away from: I am of course talking about Research! This aspect of the game was momentarily interesting in Dead Rising, and that’s where it belongs! In Bioshock it brings an added challenge to the now more or less routine altercations with Splicers and the like. However, much like the endless hacks and the many cartooney-villain voices with which the soundtrack is infested, taking pictures of about a thousand screeching Splicers and their subsequently bloodied corpses grows old. Much like you will whilst you try and capture their essence!

And by the time I’m finished doing  Atlas’ dirty work and I’m on my way to kill Ryan and get the big reveal about Atlas being the real bad guy– and by the way, if anyone hadn’t called it by the midpoint of the game, then I’m convinced their mommy must have played through Bioshock for them. Which is a sacrifice not a lot of mothers would make, to be honest – where was I? Atlas is bad, my mother doesn’t love me, oh god where does that accent come from anyways?

By this point in the game I’m only sticking around because I’m sure it has to be over soon and I’m expecting a big fat whopping payoff after everything I’ve put up with to get as far as I have. And honestly, I could forgive all of the problems with the game if 2K/Irrational Games had only managed to put some effort into the ending. For a game that started off with a magnificent bang, Bioshock truly goes out with a sniveling whimper. I know I’m not the only one who could recite the remarkably uncreative narration of the closing sequence right along with Tenenbaum. I got the good ending, which as far as I recall consisted of a university diploma, a wedding ring, and my character dying in a sanitary hospital bed.

Zombie Genocidest

When it comes to Left 4 Dead 2, there is potentially a great deal to talk about. There are some things I really love about this game, and there are some areas where it’s a marked letdown from the original Left 4 Dead offering from its creator Valve. But you’ve played the game, I’m sure, and you know all this. So let’s talk about what’s really fun and interesting in any first person shooter game, which is of course the WEAPONS. There are certainly a lot of weapons to choose from in this game, some old favorites from original Left 4 Dead are here along with some not-so-favorites, and there are some truly exciting new offerings as well. Exploring the new scenery in the various campaigns was fun, but even more than the new maps I have enjoyed getting to know some of these new weapons. I thought about maybe coming up with some complicated formula for ranking the various Melee Weapons and Firearms according to their effectiveness in addition to my own personal preference, but that’s been done to death by this point, and really I’m not outfitting a real army – I’m interested in having the best possible gaming experience. With that in mind, I will rank weapons in order based on their overall appeal which results from a combination of their look, their sound, and their playability. It’s a tremendously complex formula, but you’ll just have to trust me. I’ll divide them, naturally, into 2 categories, Melee Weapons and Projectile Weapons (essentially, guns). They are ranked in order from Least Cool to Most Hellaciously Fantastically Pump-You-Up-To-Kill-Some-Fucking-Zombies Awesome.

Pumped To Kill

The Melee Weapons of Left 4 Dead

Frying Pan: The worst of the worst. I HATE this so called weapon. To illustrate what a truly despicable item this really is, why don’t you come along with me on an imaginary journey, at the end of which you must surely agree that the Frying Pan simply has no place in any self respecting Zombie Hunter’s arsenal. Imagine for a moment that you had fought your way through some zombie infested hell and in the course of your adventures you had the chance to rescue the world’s one and only remaining supermodel and her porn star twin sister from where they had been holed up away from red blooded men for months on end (don’t worry, their hideout somehow has running water and is an oasis of hygiene in an otherwise really disgusting world. This is after all the imagination of a reclusive agoraphobe) and when you finally cleared the last of the zombie hordes standing between you and the most epic we-could-all-die-at-any-time-
threesome-with-twins-who-are-totally-grateful-to-you-for-saving-their-lives-and-they’ll-do-anything-you-want-sex – imagine if after all this you were to go bursting through the door wielding a FUCKING FRYING PAN in your hand like the world’s very biggest virgin! I mean, if they were going to put a stupid ironic weapon in the game that no one would be caught dead using in the real zombie apocalypse, well then, why not a wifebeater-leather belt combo? At least then it could have some kinky uses when you get down to the freaky apocalypse Sex For The Ages. Again, in case you are still not sure how I feel, I HATE this stupid ugly worthless stupid weapon. A lot.

Cricket Bat: Forgive me, but since when is Left4Dead2 set in England? This weapon makes no sense to me at all. It’s big and stupid looking and doesn’t provide a very satisfactory sound either. It’s effective, I’ll admit that, but I’m not willing to settle for mere effectiveness in my search for the Ultimate Melee Weapon. I just can’t see using something like this to kill zombies if you had any  respectable alternatives, and I’m not afraid to say the cricket bat just sucks.

Guitar: Rounding out the Trio of Shame, we have the guitar. I’m a little conflicted about this one. I mean, it looks kinda cool, but it’s an amazingly stupid thing to use as a weapon if you think about it. The thought of trying to fend off zombies by swinging a big heavy guitar by the neck makes me cringe. Maybe that’s just because my weak girly arms would fail miserably and I would end up on the bottom of a zombie swarm and I don’t even want to think about which parts would get eaten in what order. But no, it’s not just me. The Left4Dead2 guitar doesn’t have novelty on its side either, since the whole beating zombies to death with a guitar idea has been done, and I think Dead Rising did it much better. Although I suppose the guitar does fit pretty well with the concert themed ending to Dark Carnival.

Crowbar: I enjoy the crowbar, not so much for its actual performance in the game but rather because using it leads me to have some wonderfully gruesome visuals of a real life crowbar sinking into the skull of a real live zombie and tearing off a big chunk of its skull. The actual weapon itself isn’t all that offensive or remarkable in any way.

Chainsaw: The chainsaw looks really awesome, but in terms of actual gameplay I find it gets old pretty fast. It’s loud, cumbersome, has a long start up time, it generates a lot of smoke and blood which obscure your vision, and when it runs out of fuel it switches to your pistol automatically and ruins your bid at the Confederacy of Crunches achievement. Okay, so that was probably my own fault, but once the initial thrill wore off I haven’t had much use for this particular weapon at all.

Axe: This is exactly what I would want to have in my hands in a real zombie apocalypse. I loved axes as a child, who didn’t, and I looked for opportunities to smuggle my dad’s axe out of the garage so I could chop things in half with it. Needless to say, there were many times while playing the original Left4Dead game when I found myself low on ammo and wishing for a great big wood handled axe just like this one. I fantasized how I would caress it in my hands while I smashed the living hell out of everything; from zombies to walls and doors and anything in between. As anti-zombie weapons go, this one is highly predictable, but more than satisfying.

Baseball Bat: Wouldn’t you know it, I’m too foolish and unforwardthinking to have preordered the game and received this pretty little weapon as a reward, I can’t lie to you, dear readers. Well, I could, but I won’t. Anyway, when I do get a chance to use it through playing campaign with someone who did think ahead and preorder, it is an absolute treat. Clean, simple, nice to look at, and as American as apple pie and racism. Classic.

Machete: The machete automatically gets big points for being long and sharp and able to cut things. It’s fast and has a strong melee shove, which makes it even easier to line up zombies and cut them in half or cut off their heads. Have I mentioned I like to cut things? The Machete is another favorite childhood toy of mine, and unquestionably a melee weapon of choice.

Nightstick: Not only is it much more pleasing to the eye than say the frying pan or cricket bat, the nightstick grants you the unique and distinct pleasure of beating a riot cop to death from behind, with his own instrument! Yes please! Er, what I meant to say is that it’s faster than any other melee weapons in the game, and it doesn’t hurt that it only appears in my favorite campaign, the Parish. What’s not to like?

Katana Sword: This deadly weapon gives me the most complete visceral experience of any of the melee weapons in L4D2. When it comes to close combat, nothing beats lining up three zombies and slicing all their heads off in one glorious heroic swing. This weapon more than any other weapon gets me lusting for rivers of zombie blood. The sword has been a mainstay of human warfare from time immemorial, that is before the advent of projectile weapons. But now with Left4Dead2’s Katana Sword we hearken back to a simpler time, when people didn’t worry about ammo conservation, reloading, crouching to fire, or any of that nonsense. Just me, my long cold blade, and the unfortunate soul who is going to be eating it. Hell fucking yeah, the Katana Sword is Number One!

I went to the local Game Stop to pick up this luscious title, only to have the Assistant Manager tell me not to waste $30, let alone three dollars on it. I was in a particularly feeble mood and I caved in like a zombies skull hit with the butt of a shotgun.

I left the store disappointed, head down with my eyes on the ground, holding a used copy Ghostbusters. A copy that didn’t even work! By the time I went back to Game Stop to return the defunct disc, the price of the Ghostbusters game had decreased over $10 in price. Sigh.

The other night I decided to stroll into Blockbuster to check out the used game selection and there she was… for 14.99, Onechanbara: Bikini Samurai Squad for 360. She was staring me in the face. Oh sweetie, there you are! I wasn’t going to let you go. Not this time, not for anything! I wrapped her in my arms closely (along with a Copy of Tomb Raider Anniversary) and spoke softly to her… “It is destiny that we are together at last”. As soon as I got home I plugged it in and I was instantly glued to the screen. And Okay, I’ll admit that I have a few personality similarities to an adolescent boy, but I can’t help myself… um boobs?

The game is sparkly, shiny and combines two– three of my favorite things: Zombies, Fashion and Incredibly sexy ladies!!! After a few hours of game play I decided to take another look at the reviews online and see if I could find a walk-through or two. I was appalled by what I saw! Critics didn’t just hate this game, they loathed it! The words “Sexist”, “Cheap”, and “Bad” came up again and again.

I really don’t see what is so bad about this game. If you have a problem with the game because of the targeted demographic, find something else to play! As for the graphics, we have to keep in mind while Onechanbara: Bikini Samurai Squad was released in 2009 in the US, it was actually a 2006 Japanese release.

When we start to rate games based on our own personal bias instead of the demographic that the game was released for we start to see a major problem in the whole system of gaming reviews. Reviews like these are acceptable for a small personal review site where we see open sharing of unique paradigms.

I have trouble seeing reviews like this that reflect the opinion of an entire gaming organization. I was offended by the words published by Gamespot , “You can see sultry women in swimsuits for free on the Internet ” and IGN in particular “But really, if near-naked girls are what has you excited about Onechanbara, I’d like to introduce you to Google. It’s free.”. Ogling sexy ladies in a video game is drastically different than viewing 404’s when surfing through google image search for porn. What about all the prepubescent boys with Net Nanny on their computers? Special time revoked! Think about the children.

To see this happen on IGN, & Gamespot is disheartening at best. I was under the impression that they are supposed to be rating a game based on it’s actual playability instead of how it aligns with their particular interests, values or tastes.

This game has a very Japanese storyline. It’s super cute, uber kawaii Otaku candy. It’s goofy, and wacky. It’s the story of two sisters Aya and Saki!

Aya and Saki’s veins pulsate with Baneful Blood. A zombie outbreak fueled by this very same blood sends them out of their comfortable loft on an adventurous (and murderous) rampage. With only their swords by their sides, the girls go to put things right in the world.

Many of the other online reviews mentioned the storyline not making much sense. Hello! Has anyone seen Machine Girl here? This is a story of sex appeal, mindless violence and defending your honor!

I enjoyed the first cut-scene, it oozed sensuality. The shower scene did a wonderful job of leaving out all the naughty bits, but they kept it natural. No newspaper in front of the genitals here!

The game is very repetitive, which is fine! Much like Earth Defense Force: 2017, you will face mindless swarms of enemies that you take on again, and again! Mind numbing, but in a good way. It’s a great game to zone out to while enjoying some quality (albeit somewhat pixelated, T&A).

The music is awesome, poppy, and Japanese, it’s very reminiscent of FFX-2’s soundtrack (which in my opinion is an wholly underrated game with a terrible nonsensical ending).

There are several types of game play, Story Mode, Survival, and Freeplay (as well as a practice mode as well). Leveling up is kept consistent throughout the several types of game play. Normal needs to be completed to unlock higher game difficulty levels.

Different outfits and character modification aspects (eye color, hair color, etc) can be unlocked by completing different “QUEST” objectives. In “Dress Up”mode they didn’t skimp on the customization menus and controls whatsoever. It’s a really nice game attribute. The Quest objectives double as many of the XBL achievements as well. The achievements are somewhat tedious, so if you’re looking for a game to quickly boost your gamer score, this is not it!

I don’t think this game is perfect. I was extremely disappointed with the level of control when manipulating your viewfinder in the game. Annna (the third character who comes into play later in the game) is nearly impossible to play without targeting using the right bumper and even then shes just miserable. Point yourself in the right direction (if you can get there) then fire. You miss most of the time. The viewfinder isn’t that big of a problem with the two main heroines of the game. The hacking and slashing happens in every direction. You can access most enemies around you with ease, just pick your preferred move and use the left analog stick to guide your direction. If you have trouble use the convenient EDF like mini-map in the upper right hand corner.

Overall I enjoy the game, and I think it needs to be appreciated for what it is. Compared to many of the other games released at the same time, yes, it is lacking in a few areas. When we look at this game for what it is, a old-schoolish hack and slash adventure full of boobs and gore, I think it’s pretty darn great. 6.5/10 MP.