Zombie Genocidest

When it comes to Left 4 Dead 2, there is potentially a great deal to talk about. There are some things I really love about this game, and there are some areas where it’s a marked letdown from the original Left 4 Dead offering from its creator Valve. But you’ve played the game, I’m sure, and you know all this. So let’s talk about what’s really fun and interesting in any first person shooter game, which is of course the WEAPONS. There are certainly a lot of weapons to choose from in this game, some old favorites from original Left 4 Dead are here along with some not-so-favorites, and there are some truly exciting new offerings as well. Exploring the new scenery in the various campaigns was fun, but even more than the new maps I have enjoyed getting to know some of these new weapons. I thought about maybe coming up with some complicated formula for ranking the various Melee Weapons and Firearms according to their effectiveness in addition to my own personal preference, but that’s been done to death by this point, and really I’m not outfitting a real army – I’m interested in having the best possible gaming experience. With that in mind, I will rank weapons in order based on their overall appeal which results from a combination of their look, their sound, and their playability. It’s a tremendously complex formula, but you’ll just have to trust me. I’ll divide them, naturally, into 2 categories, Melee Weapons and Projectile Weapons (essentially, guns). They are ranked in order from Least Cool to Most Hellaciously Fantastically Pump-You-Up-To-Kill-Some-Fucking-Zombies Awesome.

Pumped To Kill

The Melee Weapons of Left 4 Dead

Frying Pan: The worst of the worst. I HATE this so called weapon. To illustrate what a truly despicable item this really is, why don’t you come along with me on an imaginary journey, at the end of which you must surely agree that the Frying Pan simply has no place in any self respecting Zombie Hunter’s arsenal. Imagine for a moment that you had fought your way through some zombie infested hell and in the course of your adventures you had the chance to rescue the world’s one and only remaining supermodel and her porn star twin sister from where they had been holed up away from red blooded men for months on end (don’t worry, their hideout somehow has running water and is an oasis of hygiene in an otherwise really disgusting world. This is after all the imagination of a reclusive agoraphobe) and when you finally cleared the last of the zombie hordes standing between you and the most epic we-could-all-die-at-any-time-
threesome-with-twins-who-are-totally-grateful-to-you-for-saving-their-lives-and-they’ll-do-anything-you-want-sex – imagine if after all this you were to go bursting through the door wielding a FUCKING FRYING PAN in your hand like the world’s very biggest virgin! I mean, if they were going to put a stupid ironic weapon in the game that no one would be caught dead using in the real zombie apocalypse, well then, why not a wifebeater-leather belt combo? At least then it could have some kinky uses when you get down to the freaky apocalypse Sex For The Ages. Again, in case you are still not sure how I feel, I HATE this stupid ugly worthless stupid weapon. A lot.

Cricket Bat: Forgive me, but since when is Left4Dead2 set in England? This weapon makes no sense to me at all. It’s big and stupid looking and doesn’t provide a very satisfactory sound either. It’s effective, I’ll admit that, but I’m not willing to settle for mere effectiveness in my search for the Ultimate Melee Weapon. I just can’t see using something like this to kill zombies if you had any  respectable alternatives, and I’m not afraid to say the cricket bat just sucks.

Guitar: Rounding out the Trio of Shame, we have the guitar. I’m a little conflicted about this one. I mean, it looks kinda cool, but it’s an amazingly stupid thing to use as a weapon if you think about it. The thought of trying to fend off zombies by swinging a big heavy guitar by the neck makes me cringe. Maybe that’s just because my weak girly arms would fail miserably and I would end up on the bottom of a zombie swarm and I don’t even want to think about which parts would get eaten in what order. But no, it’s not just me. The Left4Dead2 guitar doesn’t have novelty on its side either, since the whole beating zombies to death with a guitar idea has been done, and I think Dead Rising did it much better. Although I suppose the guitar does fit pretty well with the concert themed ending to Dark Carnival.

Crowbar: I enjoy the crowbar, not so much for its actual performance in the game but rather because using it leads me to have some wonderfully gruesome visuals of a real life crowbar sinking into the skull of a real live zombie and tearing off a big chunk of its skull. The actual weapon itself isn’t all that offensive or remarkable in any way.

Chainsaw: The chainsaw looks really awesome, but in terms of actual gameplay I find it gets old pretty fast. It’s loud, cumbersome, has a long start up time, it generates a lot of smoke and blood which obscure your vision, and when it runs out of fuel it switches to your pistol automatically and ruins your bid at the Confederacy of Crunches achievement. Okay, so that was probably my own fault, but once the initial thrill wore off I haven’t had much use for this particular weapon at all.

Axe: This is exactly what I would want to have in my hands in a real zombie apocalypse. I loved axes as a child, who didn’t, and I looked for opportunities to smuggle my dad’s axe out of the garage so I could chop things in half with it. Needless to say, there were many times while playing the original Left4Dead game when I found myself low on ammo and wishing for a great big wood handled axe just like this one. I fantasized how I would caress it in my hands while I smashed the living hell out of everything; from zombies to walls and doors and anything in between. As anti-zombie weapons go, this one is highly predictable, but more than satisfying.

Baseball Bat: Wouldn’t you know it, I’m too foolish and unforwardthinking to have preordered the game and received this pretty little weapon as a reward, I can’t lie to you, dear readers. Well, I could, but I won’t. Anyway, when I do get a chance to use it through playing campaign with someone who did think ahead and preorder, it is an absolute treat. Clean, simple, nice to look at, and as American as apple pie and racism. Classic.

Machete: The machete automatically gets big points for being long and sharp and able to cut things. It’s fast and has a strong melee shove, which makes it even easier to line up zombies and cut them in half or cut off their heads. Have I mentioned I like to cut things? The Machete is another favorite childhood toy of mine, and unquestionably a melee weapon of choice.

Nightstick: Not only is it much more pleasing to the eye than say the frying pan or cricket bat, the nightstick grants you the unique and distinct pleasure of beating a riot cop to death from behind, with his own instrument! Yes please! Er, what I meant to say is that it’s faster than any other melee weapons in the game, and it doesn’t hurt that it only appears in my favorite campaign, the Parish. What’s not to like?

Katana Sword: This deadly weapon gives me the most complete visceral experience of any of the melee weapons in L4D2. When it comes to close combat, nothing beats lining up three zombies and slicing all their heads off in one glorious heroic swing. This weapon more than any other weapon gets me lusting for rivers of zombie blood. The sword has been a mainstay of human warfare from time immemorial, that is before the advent of projectile weapons. But now with Left4Dead2’s Katana Sword we hearken back to a simpler time, when people didn’t worry about ammo conservation, reloading, crouching to fire, or any of that nonsense. Just me, my long cold blade, and the unfortunate soul who is going to be eating it. Hell fucking yeah, the Katana Sword is Number One!

I may be exposing a slight inclination that there is something extremely wrong with me. For the last 48 hours I have been playing a game called Flora’s Fruit Farm. Now, I don’t want you getting the wrong idea! I didn’t go out of my way to pick up this game, but steam being sneaky as steam does best and snuck Flora’s Fruit Farm into a little game pack that I bought myself for Christmas. When I found out that the Edios Collectors game pack not only included Batman: Arkham Asylum, but was on sale for $49.99 (a whopping $212.45 off) I could not resist.

I played Tomb Raider: Legend on 360 when it first game out, the controls seemed disjointed at best. I wanted to give it another chance on PC where the game might be a little bit more streamlined. There is no way I was going to throw Lara in the Garbage after one bad experience. Laura and I, we had so many good times together on the PlayStation Entertainment System. I wasn’t letting go yet. While Tomb Raider Legend and my other more intense downloads were still marinating (that’s what they do when your top speed is 100kbs down) sheer curiosity took hold and I had to Install.

I was fascinated by Flora and her Fancy Fruit Farm. For as my most sexy male gamer friend pointed out, A game must be of the utmost caliber when the third Google result – is a Rapidshare public tracker torrent download link.

Upon launch of Flora’s Fruit Farm I had a uncomfortable jolt resonate throughout my body. Uncomfortable!!! Jenna? Jenna! You are an open minded person. Are you not the same girl who played through PF Magic’s (I mean Ubisoft’s *cough*) Catz 2 on Ps2 Earlier this year? You need to give this game a try! You owe it to your fundamental open minded libertarian values.

Flora’s Fruit Farm started out with a creepy old man approaching a cute young lady (cute in the 14 year old’s that draw anime behind you in math class sort of way) and you have to think to yourself; “Young lady, should you really be talking to strangers?” It wasn’t candy this old man was offering up, but MAGICAL GLOVES and Flora accepts them with enthusiasm (It is Flora’s Fruit Farm, Afterall).

If you’re thinking this game is anything like Harvest Moon, you’re wrong. It’s more like some kind of weird “time attack” game where you’re working against the clock. More objectives and obstacles come into play as each Chapter (sections of levels, or land – ho ho) progress. You use your whimsical magical glove magic to work each tree that you are given. You sing to it – you make it grow! This takes time, and the minutes quickly tick away on the clock. Soon your customers start to arrive. The fruits sprout instantly as you discover them, but serving up plain old fruit only gets you about $2 or so.  While “specialty fruit” fetch upwards of $12 – it’s up to you to make that fruit magical! You use your magic dust to make the fruit “Sparkle” or “Grow” and there are bonuses for both, you can also layer the special fruit attributes.

There are different types of customers and each different type of customer prefers a different type of fruit and their tips vary accordingly. Old ladies come in gaggles for your Pears, but watch out – these old ladies have tempers and they don’t like to wait. As the game goes on you learn the different quirks, preferences and temperaments of your client base. At the beginning of each  the # of each type of customer you are going to encounter in each level is disclosed. Tailor your dust levels and fruit choices for the intersection of cash payoffs/tips.

Overall I think this game has taught me a lot – Eskimos love Strawberries (which is natural because they grow in the snow) and beating animals with magical gloves is encouraged if you don’t want them to get at your sweet sweet fruity meats.

I give this game 6/10 MP. The game and soundtrack are simple and repetitive. Strangely addictive, it’ll only slightly recharge you with magical power.