Onechanbara Bikini Samurai Squad Review (Xbox 360)

This game is seriously infamous for it’s collection of terrible reviews. What would warrant such terrible reviews of such a promising game? Jenna had to find out.

I went to the local Game Stop to pick up this luscious title, only to have the Assistant Manager tell me not to waste $30, let alone three dollars on it. I was in a particularly feeble mood and I caved in like a zombies skull hit with the butt of a shotgun.

I left the store disappointed, head down with my eyes on the ground, holding a used copy Ghostbusters. A copy that didn’t even work! By the time I went back to Game Stop to return the defunct disc, the price of the Ghostbusters game had decreased over $10 in price. Sigh.

The other night I decided to stroll into Blockbuster to check out the used game selection and there she was… for 14.99, Onechanbara: Bikini Samurai Squad for 360. She was staring me in the face. Oh sweetie, there you are! I wasn’t going to let you go. Not this time, not for anything! I wrapped her in my arms closely (along with a Copy of Tomb Raider Anniversary) and spoke softly to her… “It is destiny that we are together at last”. As soon as I got home I plugged it in and I was instantly glued to the screen. And Okay, I’ll admit that I have a few personality similarities to an adolescent boy, but I can’t help myself… um boobs?

The game is sparkly, shiny and combines two– three of my favorite things: Zombies, Fashion and Incredibly sexy ladies!!! After a few hours of game play I decided to take another look at the reviews online and see if I could find a walk-through or two. I was appalled by what I saw! Critics didn’t just hate this game, they loathed it! The words “Sexist”, “Cheap”, and “Bad” came up again and again.

I really don’t see what is so bad about this game. If you have a problem with the game because of the targeted demographic, find something else to play! As for the graphics, we have to keep in mind while Onechanbara: Bikini Samurai Squad was released in 2009 in the US, it was actually a 2006 Japanese release.

When we start to rate games based on our own personal bias instead of the demographic that the game was released for we start to see a major problem in the whole system of gaming reviews. Reviews like these are acceptable for a small personal review site where we see open sharing of unique paradigms.

I have trouble seeing reviews like this that reflect the opinion of an entire gaming organization. I was offended by the words published by Gamespot , “You can see sultry women in swimsuits for free on the Internet ” and IGN in particular “But really, if near-naked girls are what has you excited about Onechanbara, I’d like to introduce you to Google. It’s free.”. Ogling sexy ladies in a video game is drastically different than viewing 404’s when surfing through google image search for porn. What about all the prepubescent boys with Net Nanny on their computers? Special time revoked! Think about the children.

To see this happen on IGN, & Gamespot is disheartening at best. I was under the impression that they are supposed to be rating a game based on it’s actual playability instead of how it aligns with their particular interests, values or tastes.

This game has a very Japanese storyline. It’s super cute, uber kawaii Otaku candy. It’s goofy, and wacky. It’s the story of two sisters Aya and Saki!

Aya and Saki’s veins pulsate with Baneful Blood. A zombie outbreak fueled by this very same blood sends them out of their comfortable loft on an adventurous (and murderous) rampage. With only their swords by their sides, the girls go to put things right in the world.

Many of the other online reviews mentioned the storyline not making much sense. Hello! Has anyone seen Machine Girl here? This is a story of sex appeal, mindless violence and defending your honor!

I enjoyed the first cut-scene, it oozed sensuality. The shower scene did a wonderful job of leaving out all the naughty bits, but they kept it natural. No newspaper in front of the genitals here!

The game is very repetitive, which is fine! Much like Earth Defense Force: 2017, you will face mindless swarms of enemies that you take on again, and again! Mind numbing, but in a good way. It’s a great game to zone out to while enjoying some quality (albeit somewhat pixelated, T&A).

The music is awesome, poppy, and Japanese, it’s very reminiscent of FFX-2’s soundtrack (which in my opinion is an wholly underrated game with a terrible nonsensical ending).

There are several types of game play, Story Mode, Survival, and Freeplay (as well as a practice mode as well). Leveling up is kept consistent throughout the several types of game play. Normal needs to be completed to unlock higher game difficulty levels.

Different outfits and character modification aspects (eye color, hair color, etc) can be unlocked by completing different “QUEST” objectives. In “Dress Up”mode they didn’t skimp on the customization menus and controls whatsoever. It’s a really nice game attribute. The Quest objectives double as many of the XBL achievements as well. The achievements are somewhat tedious, so if you’re looking for a game to quickly boost your gamer score, this is not it!

I don’t think this game is perfect. I was extremely disappointed with the level of control when manipulating your viewfinder in the game. Annna (the third character who comes into play later in the game) is nearly impossible to play without targeting using the right bumper and even then shes just miserable. Point yourself in the right direction (if you can get there) then fire. You miss most of the time. The viewfinder isn’t that big of a problem with the two main heroines of the game. The hacking and slashing happens in every direction. You can access most enemies around you with ease, just pick your preferred move and use the left analog stick to guide your direction. If you have trouble use the convenient EDF like mini-map in the upper right hand corner.

Overall I enjoy the game, and I think it needs to be appreciated for what it is. Compared to many of the other games released at the same time, yes, it is lacking in a few areas. When we look at this game for what it is, a old-schoolish hack and slash adventure full of boobs and gore, I think it’s pretty darn great. 6.5/10 MP.

Flora’s Fruit Farm Review

Flora’s Fruit Farm

I may be exposing a slight inclination that there is something extremely wrong with me. For the last 48 hours I have been playing a game called Flora’s Fruit Farm. Now, I don’t want you getting the wrong idea! I didn’t go out of my way to pick up this game, but steam being sneaky as steam does best and snuck Flora’s Fruit Farm into a little game pack that I bought myself for Christmas. When I found out that the Edios Collectors game pack not only included Batman: Arkham Asylum, but was on sale for $49.99 (a whopping $212.45 off) I could not resist.

I played Tomb Raider: Legend on 360 when it first game out, the controls seemed disjointed at best. I wanted to give it another chance on PC where the game might be a little bit more streamlined. There is no way I was going to throw Lara in the Garbage after one bad experience. Laura and I, we had so many good times together on the PlayStation Entertainment System. I wasn’t letting go yet. While Tomb Raider Legend and my other more intense downloads were still marinating (that’s what they do when your top speed is 100kbs down) sheer curiosity took hold and I had to Install.

I was fascinated by Flora and her Fancy Fruit Farm. For as my most sexy male gamer friend pointed out, A game must be of the utmost caliber when the third Google result – is a Rapidshare public tracker torrent download link.

Upon launch of Flora’s Fruit Farm I had a uncomfortable jolt resonate throughout my body. Uncomfortable!!! Jenna? Jenna! You are an open minded person. Are you not the same girl who played through PF Magic’s (I mean Ubisoft’s *cough*) Catz 2 on Ps2 Earlier this year? You need to give this game a try! You owe it to your fundamental open minded libertarian values.

Flora’s Fruit Farm started out with a creepy old man approaching a cute young lady (cute in the 14 year old’s that draw anime behind you in math class sort of way) and you have to think to yourself; “Young lady, should you really be talking to strangers?” It wasn’t candy this old man was offering up, but MAGICAL GLOVES and Flora accepts them with enthusiasm (It is Flora’s Fruit Farm, Afterall).

If you’re thinking this game is anything like Harvest Moon, you’re wrong. It’s more like some kind of weird “time attack” game where you’re working against the clock. More objectives and obstacles come into play as each Chapter (sections of levels, or land – ho ho) progress. You use your whimsical magical glove magic to work each tree that you are given. You sing to it – you make it grow! This takes time, and the minutes quickly tick away on the clock. Soon your customers start to arrive. The fruits sprout instantly as you discover them, but serving up plain old fruit only gets you about $2 or so.  While “specialty fruit” fetch upwards of $12 – it’s up to you to make that fruit magical! You use your magic dust to make the fruit “Sparkle” or “Grow” and there are bonuses for both, you can also layer the special fruit attributes.

There are different types of customers and each different type of customer prefers a different type of fruit and their tips vary accordingly. Old ladies come in gaggles for your Pears, but watch out – these old ladies have tempers and they don’t like to wait. As the game goes on you learn the different quirks, preferences and temperaments of your client base. At the beginning of each  the # of each type of customer you are going to encounter in each level is disclosed. Tailor your dust levels and fruit choices for the intersection of cash payoffs/tips.

Overall I think this game has taught me a lot – Eskimos love Strawberries (which is natural because they grow in the snow) and beating animals with magical gloves is encouraged if you don’t want them to get at your sweet sweet fruity meats.

I give this game 6/10 MP. The game and soundtrack are simple and repetitive. Strangely addictive, it’ll only slightly recharge you with magical power.